i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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