Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
