It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
