Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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