I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
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I need you to use more vowels.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize