Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
