This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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