We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
