I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
