So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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