apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
