Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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