Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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