I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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