im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
