I wanna passion pit in your ass
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
