fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
