can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
