are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm just crazy horny about you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
