Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
