Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
