i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
