Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
