If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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