they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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