FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
