I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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