dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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