I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize