Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
