sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
