My underwear smells like fireworks.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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