saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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