I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
