so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
