the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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