I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
