my phone needs a breathalizer
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
