they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
