ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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