For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
