happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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