Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
