i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
