Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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