It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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