i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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