You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
