I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
