i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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