What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
