ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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