That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
where am i from again
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
