I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
