I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize