You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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