I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
